Earpods: Overpriced, Overhyped and Always Missing

Nothing screams capitalism like spending $200 on wannabe apostrophes, $30 on a case to charge and keep them safe, and $40 on an AirTag to find them when you inevitably lose them.

I think earpods are the most dysfunctional pieces of technological “advancement” yet.

Fight me.

One, these tiny, overpriced, battery-dependent gremlins never sit steady in my ears (who are these perfectly-eared mythical people they were designed for? Elves? Superglue eared individuals? 🤷🏽‍♀️) Two, they require constant charging (I wonder which smartass decided that was a groundbreaking idea), and three, the most annoying reason of them all, the little buggers love to get lost!

You’re one laugh away from losing $200

Doesn’t it bother you how earpods disappear faster than common sense on the internet? One tiny bump in the road. One sneeze. One TikTok that shakes you a little too hard with laughter and poof. Your left bud has hop-skipped-and-jumped into an invisible black hole, never to be seen again. Now you’re stuck with one pod looking like a telemarketing agent trying to close a GNLD sale.

One second they’re in your ear, the next, they’re playing hide-and-seek in the couch cushions, under the fridge, or worst case scenario, they’ve gone down the drain.

And don’t even get me started on the capitalism of it all! Not only do you have to buy the earpods, you must also get the case they come in. Not just to hold them — no, no, no — you also need the case to charge the darn things. So you now have to worry about charging both the pods and their tiny coffin. Great.

And if you lose one of them wiggly little fugitives, guess what? You can’t just replace the missing one oh no…you must buy an entirely new pair!

I mean sure, you could walk around using just one pod, but do you really want to be out here looking like one of those uncles who still think Bluetooth earpieces are the height of technological sophistication? Might as well throw on a pair of dark jogger sunglasses, a brown tan belt, and just commit to the aesthetic. You’ve unlocked peak 2005 energy. Well done. Next stop: giving unsolicited business advice at family gatherings.

High-Maintenance, Low Reward

You’d think that for things so small and essential, they’d make them easily trackable, attachable, unlosable..but no. The second you put the case down, it enters another dimension. Where does it go? Narnia? The Bermuda Triangle? Daddy DOGE’s secret underground bunker? Nobody knows! And here’s the fun part…you could make the it trackable, but to do that you must buy another piece of tech, Airtag or equivalent, at a not-so-little additional fee!

Nobody really talks about how high-maintenance earpods are. They need to be charged, cleaned, and reconnected. Constantly. Like your needy relationship. And why do they always lose charge at different times??? One minute I’m please please pleasing my lungs out, the next minute earpod right is throwing a tantrum. “Battery low. Please charge”. 🥲 Meanwhile leftie is still vibing to Sabrina at 35%. WHY? Did they not wake up at the same time? Eat the same Bluetooth signals for breakfast? I would have loved to be a bee in that brainstorming meeting just to sting whoever thought this was a great idea.

Wireless. Clueless. Useless.

The funniest ones are the earpods marketed as “perfectly crafted for workouts and active lifestyles”.

Oh, you thought you could go on a little jog with some music to motivate you? Lies. Good luck rummaging through the bushes on the sidewalk to find your little runaway comma.

Making chapatis as you listen to your favorite podcast? Knead carefully lest your earpod disappears into the sticky dough, never to be seen again.

Are you into jump squats? Burpees? Goodbye, earpod. Now it’s across the gym floor, rolling under someone else’s treadmill. And by the time you retrieve it, there’s sweat, hair, dust and a nasty concoction of odours permanently imprinted on it. Now instead of putting in your reps, you’re just standing there, reaping the consequences of your poor life choices.

Oh, and good luck if you unfortunately forget your charging case at home. You now own two tiny, useless pebbles. Congratulations.

We Had It Good, and Then We Ruined It

Listen. You cannot convince me that there are many pros to earpods over good old wired earphones. Because why am I dropping a fortune on something that is so unreliable? And why is “5 hours of listening time” flaunted like it’s some kind of flex? We went from forever to just five hours of use, and we’re all just okay with that? My typical existential crisis lasts longer than that!

These money-hungry tech giants show up every year with their “revolutionary innovations” (yes, Apple, I’m 100% talking about you) that are 99% marketing and 1% actual functionality and improvements. And instead of pausing to ask ourselves if we actually need this nonsense, we’re so hypnotized by their shiny promo videos, pitch decks, and paid UGC. Next thing you know, you’re oohing and aahing your way into spending your hard-earned money on stuff you DID NOT NEED AND NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR!

Now look at you, getting arm cramps all day, constantly trying to get the little nuggets to sit still. Nothing’s wrong with your ears, man. They’re normal-size. It’s the earpods!

Take Back Your Sanity

I miss wires. Wires never betrayed us like this. Wires didn’t die mid-song. Wires didn’t disappear into couch abyss. Wires stayed connected. Always. They were perfect really. And then Big Tech decided to replace these perfectly good, loyal, wired earphones with tiny, Houdini-esque demons, and we all clapped and rewarded them with our money! And now we’re all out here, crawling under furniture, retracing our steps, and asking our phones to, “Find my earpods.”

I’m now in the market for some exceptional-quality wired earphones. My non-negotiables: deep bass, well-equalized sound, and ear comfort. Because I refuse to spend my own money just to be earmugged by things that won’t sit securely in my ears and sound like a Bluetooth speaker submerged in bathwater. I know JBL has some decent options, but I’m open to suggestions.

And if you’re an earpod loyalist, hey, more grease to your elbow. Literally. I’d tell you to ditch those little glitchfits and embrace a stress-free life, but I doubt you’d be able to hear me through all the constant fidgeting and adjusting you’re busy with, just to keep your toddler-esque techtastrophes from falling out.

Good luck out there.